that gravitational pull,

rolling in the whelming flood,

that feeling when the water pulls away at the sands around your feet,

the salt and the peace and the weight,

so inescapable.

and there’s always a place for me in its power.

I’m always home,

I always belong

and it always weathers me.

the green, glassy sunlight,

those white-tipped whispers,

that ever-changing, always whole

beast and dancer,

it’s carved itself into me.

you’ll never notice -

but I’ve engraved myself in it, too.

people are always going to love you,

and you’re not really ever going to get it.

so I guess, if you do one day,

instead of being angry and hurt that it worked with someone else

I think I’ll hope to be happy…

it comes in gusts:

hatred, hope, forgiveness.

you are dead,

dead.

dead to me now.

you can be who you want,

do what you feel,

if anything.

no, my influence wasn’t an illusion.

but it’s all over now.

here’s to you, and the dreams I left behind:

once I said we were like puzzle pieces

but not meant to go together - just rest side by side.

I didn’t listen to myself.

well.

I have now, and it was about time.

goodbye,

goodbye,

goodbye.

I’m still in love with the thought of you.

reality’s hard pressed to keep up.

there are some in this world who aren’t stabbed when they see you smile,

who don’t smell your musky, sun-dried laundry warmth when they hear you sing;

they can listen to Eminem and Relient K without envisioning your dark street, late at night, lit only by car headlights.

our memories aren’t chains anymore.

I’m free,

but I’ll never forget.

and fades

and fades

and fades…

windy, rainy nights in the middle of the sea,

when my heart was broken in a different way

and my variety of loneliness was different, too.

will there come a day when it comes full circle?

you know what I’m counting on:

that one day we’ll see each other in redemption

and be part of that Body that is so much fuller and bigger and better than what our attempts at love dared dream of.

I’m waiting for the wounds to run clean,

for purity to reign again.

I don’t hate you.

I can’t hate you,

He loves you.

mmmmm, sorry, this is pretty ugly. I just…yeah…well, you’ll see:

you took everything from me,

and you’re not cold hearted,

but you are silent.

and that’s just as bad

because it’s like you don’t care, and you never did.

I don’t know anything about you.

I hate that I wasted my time with you,

I hate that I cared

I hate that I sacrificed

I hate that I wrote you poetry

I hate that I prayed for you

I hate that I spent any amount of time on you.

Unresponsive.

You are a brick wall,

and I can’t go through,

and I can’t turn back.

Fuck you.

dear everything I hope and love,

come back to me please.

I am tired of feeling empty

I am tired of feeling desperate

I am tired of being dissatisfied.

sincerely,

the strangest, most awkward person I know.

I apologize that everything is approximately 2 lines long. I am writing a book for NaNoWriMo (challenge = 50 000 words written in the month of November!!!) www.nanowrimo.org so all of my thoughts and good words are being put towards that end, and by the time I get to this there isn’t much left. ;)